WITH the whole world consumed with climate change, let’s restore a bit of sanity, ditch the restraints of seriosity and take a light-hearted romp through history. 

The first recorded climatic calamity is the great flood in Noah’s time, whenever that may or may not have been. 

Noah did not engage in futile posturing such as our climate alarmists who seek to save the planet by pulling the plug on a measly one per cent contribution to man made carbon dioxide emissions. 

Unlike the alarmists, Noah took decisive action which actually achieved something: Noah saved the animals.

IDEOLOGY

Climate change alarmists are hell bent on destruction of the cheapest power source that has made Australia a world class industrial nation.

In contrast, Noah, being a practical man, forsook ideology for practicality and became a builder, rather than a destroyer. He built an arc.

To ensure safety, Noah installed a kitchen on his vessel but no bathroom: he did not want two sink the arc.

When construction was completed, Noah saved the animals from the diluvian disaster by taking them on board two by two.

To ensure that only those who were clean came on board, grubs were banned.

A brig was constructed to cater for any fraudsters, who were secured behind a door marked “Condor”.

QUOTAS

Zebras threatened to go on stripe unless they were provided with their own special crossing, so Noah provided a separate zebra crossing in remarkable prescience of how the world would become a feuding ground of identity politics in the 21st Century.

First to come on board was a cow because Noah needed, again with prescience of the demands for quotas in our time, a helmswoman, to steer the arc. The cow did not have a partner so Noah had to Bible.

Next a deck hand was needed. This could be a male as the helmswoman fulfilled the 50 per cent gender quota. Noah’s wife asked who he would choose from the eagerly waiting applicants. Noah pointed to a rugby league player saying “Eel do”.

How to provide sporting entertainment, had Noah stumped for a while until he came up with the idea of a run in an advertising rag for a cricket.

Wearing a bowler hat who, as an exception to the two of a kind rule, was to be accompanied by a bat and kept in line by a wicked keeper.

TOUCAN

Then came the birds. They had to be healthy and legal, so ill eagles were prohibited entry and dispatched to Manus Island.

A toucan keen to leave its partner behind, was told “singles can’t board but toucan”.

Noah encountered a flamingo who would not embark unless he was allocated a sumptuous state room. Noah lost patience and yelled “in that case, you can flamin’ go!”

Storks could come as long as they promised not to stork the other passengers.

An undesirable beast tried to sneak on board by disguising itself as a lyre bird. Noah saw through the subterfuge and banished the creature saying “get off the arc, you’re lion”.

A frog’s entitlement to hop on board was not recognized as France did not officially become a country until many centuries later.

Animals boarded the arc day after day and night after night until there were only two left waiting on the shore. Noah said “necks please” and the giraffes galloped up the ramp.

TRUCE

Everyone knows that horses survived the great flood, but how they did it remains a mystery. When their turn came, Noah’s voice had given out: he was too hoarse to call them on board.

Enough of nonsense.

I for one am ready to call a truce with the climate changers. Let the schools stop indoctrinating our kids with alleged consensus of scientists falsely packaged as facts.

In return, us climate change sceptics should agree to immediately close coal fired power stations, thereby cutting our one per cent contribution to emissions to zero.

Then we wait, a day, a week, a month, a year, however long it takes for the penny to drop that our once flourishing economy is in ruins, our citizens are reduced to living at third world standards, all for a negligible effect on world climate.

Even then, it is unlikely the climate warriors, led by the formidable Zali of Warringah, guided by her consensus scientists rather than fact finding researchers, will abandon their fanciful quest.

The planet must be saved. Let us manfully, womanfully and gender fluidly, soldier onward with plan B, which is…?PC