We all thought that Albo’s last remaining bit of sexual business was to screw the taxpayers of Australia.

But no, Kylie is in the frame as well. If his few-months-old marriage ever goes “tits up”, he wants to shag Kylie.

HOT MIC

This all came to light in an interview the Prime Minister recently gave to a comedian, Nikki Osborne. Yes, he knew the mic was hot.

And this all took place at the Lodge, the Prime Minister’s official, taxpayer funded, CGT-free residence.

I thought it was only the country that was going tits up.

Albo shared information that most of us would regard as “too much”.

Between all the not-so-serious chatter, Osborne and Albo played a game of the classic Aussie pastime “shag, marry or date”.

Host Osborne asked the PM: “Kylie Minogue, Nicole Kidman or Rhonda Burchmore?”

After a brief pause, Mr Albanese tried to play things safe, saying: “I’ve just got married, I’m only six months in…”

But Osborne was having none of it, and she quickly fired back: “But if it goes tits up?”

“Kylie, clearly,” he replied.

“You’d marry Kylie? And shag her? And date her?” questioned the host.

“All of the above,” Mr Albanese said, letting out a little giggle. “She’s terrific.”

There was also mention of Albo shagging the missus “after the footy”. A Souths win is “always a good aphrodisiac”, the PM noted.

Even though we have Rabbitohs fans in our family, I will, from this moment on, be barracking for whoever is playing Souths. Every week. For the rest of my life.

The triggering resulting from any Souths victory would just be too much, otherwise. Some things you cannot unsee.

Watch the full interview, if you aren’t squeamish, and if you must.

I had never heard of Nikki Osborne before. Mercifully, perhaps. Her future guests beware.

Osborne has amassed a following of more than a million fans on social media, and her new series with Nova will see her also interview the likes of Larry Emdur, Manu Feildel, Steph Tolev, Colin Fassnidge, Michael Wipfli, Osher Gunsberg and Colin Mochrie.

Some interesting names, right there. Never heard of most of them. They ain’t household names in my world, alas.

God knows who Osher, Fassnidge and Wipfli will come up with, favourite shag-wise. If asked.

CHOKED

Speaking of Albo. This is the same guy who recently said in parliament: “With some of these algorithms coming through, we’re seeing increased presentations in our hospitals of young women who have been choked, strangled. We see anal tearing growing at an extraordinary, horrific rate because what too many young men are seeing online is normalising behaviour that is anything but.”

Anal tearing as not “normal behaviour”? So says one of the champions of gay marriage. Oops.

This is also the same guy who sneered at John Howard in 1998 that he lived at home ’til he was 32 – since many Australian 32-year-old men now still live at home, JWH might be said to have merely been ahead of his time.

The 1990s. They were the days, when politicians (generally) were not low-rent bovver-boys and had a little class. I know, we did have Paul Keating, back then. I was thinking more of Howard.

Albo is now an embarrassment. At least the “coarse” US President – just ask Greg Sheridan or any number of never-Trumpers – doesn’t share these sorts of details on national television. Even in a “whisky-fuelled” interview.

In the age of AI fakery, you would have to wonder – did this really happen?

Perhaps these are the ravings of one who knows he won’t ever be having to face another election. God knows which of his (credibly accused) insider trading Cabinet colleagues will be lining up to take over when he inevitably departs the amateur theatre stage.

UNLUCKIEST

Who is the luckiest person in Australia? No, not Jodie Haydon. She would be, surely, the unluckiest.

No, the luckiest would be Carmel Tebbutt, the former Deputy Premier of NSW, and, for a Leftie, seemingly a nice person. Albo’s ex.

She escaped the prick. In every sense of the term. 2019 was, indeed, her annus mirabilis.

Kylie might see herself as in that frame, too. Or, maybe not. Yeah, nah.

Who wants to be outed as the subject of the fantasies of ageing politicians? Ironically, Kylie did once sing about being lucky in love.

She should be so lucky, lucky, lucky. I am guessing she didn’t have Albo in mind when the disc was pressed.

Her first UK hit was released in 1987, when she was nineteen, nine years before Albo even appeared on the parliamentary scene. She would have had no idea (clearly) then that, 39 years later, she would strike it so lucky.