Just when you thought it was safe to view melons simply as grocery items, Prime Minister Anthony Albanese himself has, wittingly or unwittingly, reignited the tawdry Melongate saga. With the death of US superstar Dolly Parton, the Prime Minister couldn’t wait to retell the tale of his own encounter over a decade ago with the much-loved singer. This involved her coming to Australia for her 2011 tour, and her oversize touring buses being denied entry. (Yes, the Australian government can apparently stop US country and western tour buses from entering our nation, but is incapable of stopping Islamist terrorists or their brides). As minister for transport at the time, Mr Albanese intervened and the buses were allowed in and Dolly’s tour was a huge success. She even made a special mention of him on stage one night, pulling his name out from her cleavage, thanking ‘Mr Albaneez’ and promising to ‘smear lip gloss all over him’.
This odd little story first came to light two years ago, on an episode of the ABC’s musical quiz show Spicks and Specks, when an intriguing exchange took place between the man who by then was Prime Minister of Australia, and a panel of comedic/musical personalities. In an eerily prescient scene, Mr Albanese was asked a supposedly innocuous question: whether he had ever used his influence to help a musical act. Eagerly, and with the same laddish enthusiasm he would employ two years later to discuss Japanese imperial melons and the juggling of them, the PM launched into an innuendo-laden tale concerning singer Dolly Parton, her trip to Australia, and the size of her two, er, touring buses. ‘She had two big… buses’, said the PM, hands held wide in front of him, with classic double-entendre timing. Much laughter ensued. Enjoying the risqué banter, two of the panellists, women as it happens, hopped straight into the Playboy innuendo. One of them, to much applause, said, ‘I’m glad you said “buses”….’ The second woman, clearly delighted with her own wit, deliberately cupped her hands out in front of her chest and proclaimed, again to much mirth, ‘They were HUGE buses’. Relishing the bawdy humour, the Prime Minister, again with appropriate hand gestures, added, ‘That was the problem. they were too wide and too long… BIG BUS COMING!’ And so the gag kept on running, with much laughter and merriment.
Nothing, of course, wrong with any of that. Although, interestingly, it was only the two female panellists who felt emboldened to crack Benny Hill-style boob jokes; it is unlikely that any male comedian who valued a lengthy career in modern showbiz would have dared. To round out the gag, the Prime Minister even quipped, ‘What goes on tour stays on tour,’ when asked about his backstage encounter with the diminutive and famously well-endowed superstar. In your dreams, Albo.
Fast forward to 2026, and the Prime Minister managed to diminish himself, his cabinet, his female colleagues, the Japanese PM and the nation he leads with his equally tawdry performance on a podcast called Bush Deep (innuendo clearly intended) filmed at Kirribilli House. As is now only too well known, over the course of that bizarre interview Mr Albanese enlightened the host (a hitherto unknown petite blonde who calls herself ‘Bush Barbie’) about who he would like to ‘shag, marry and date’ (Kylie Minogue), his enjoyment of sporting victories as an aphrodisiac in his new marriage and what is the worst official gift he’s ever received as PM (a melon). For over a month now, the scandal that erupted following the publication of this interview has drowned out pretty much everything else on the political front for Labor.
Several things jump out about these two less-than-dignified prime ministerial performances. Hilariously, both Dolly Parton and Kylie Minogue are exactly the same height (152cm). It would appear, by his own admission, that Mr Albanese has a penchant for petite, flirtatious, girlie, peroxide blondes with flashy musical talents. Both Dolly and Kylie are also icons of the gay movement, as opposed to being exemplary models of the Plibersek-Gallagher-Wong scowling Labor feminist ideal.
Watching Mr Albanese’s two performances side by side, it is also worth noting the near-identical boyish enjoyment of the smutty talk, the near-identical hand and facial gestures, and the almost obsessive desire to please the ‘In-crowd’.
All of which would be fine, except for one thing. This magazine certainly has no problem with ministerial freedom of expression, innuendo or bawdy humour. It is hypocrisy we object to. And lying.
For the past two weeks the Prime Minister has insisted that his melons comments have been ‘misinterpreted’ and his booby hand gestures were nothing of the sort, merely normal conversational gesturing. The Spicks and Specks footage, in which Mr Albanese eagerly participates in and enjoys unmistakeable boob jokes and gestures , proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Prime Minister is a liar. It is simply not credible that he actively participated in the Dolly Parton double entendres less than two years ago but was innocently oblivious to the Pamela Anderson-melons-under-her-jacket innuendo in the Bush Deep podcast in June of this year.
And, as Neil Brown points out in his column this week, the Prime Minister’s refusal to own the ‘melons’ saga and apologise for his behaviour sets a shocking example to young Aussie males. Already we have learned that one of the footballers in the Sydney Swans hotel/strippers scandal allegedly referred to having ‘done an Albo’ with one of the girls.
Actions have consequences. How ironic that in his rush to tell his ‘brush with fame’ story on the day of Dolly Parton’s death, the Prime Minister has simply re-confirmed that he lies as effortlessly as Dolly sang.
The post Dolly, Kylie & Albo appeared first on The Spectator Australia.
